The Art of Healthy Neglect

Yes, I am guilty of flipping words on their head and turning words with negative connotations into something more neutral or even positive. Here I go again.

The art of healthy neglect is a new way to think about how we interact with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Let me be very clear, in this newsletter, I am not in any way talking about the very harmful effects of neglect when someone fails to care for another person, animal, environment, or even material objects. Sadly there is a great deal of neglect that harms and hurts others.  

The art of healthy neglect is something different. It is designed to help us. In the episodes with Emilee & David of Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast, I introduced this idea to these parents. But in this newsletter I want to expand on this idea and how it applies—with our children, with our relationships, and with ourselves (both with the thoughts in our head and the information coming at us).  I think everyone can benefit from the art of healthy neglect: Here are some examples.  

The art of healthy neglect when it comes to information.

We know smart phones can answer almost any question. But does that mean we should look for answers to every question? The art of healthy neglect is a little bit like having an attitude that it's OK to not know everything and to resist the urge to try to. Why should we do that?  Because it’s a life skill to learn to sit with the unknown. We don’t have control over a lot of things in life, so why not learn to be comfortable with the unknown.

The art of healthy neglect when it comes to relationships.

There is such a thing as over-processing in a relationship. And letting some things go can be really helpful. Living with a partner or a roommate is challenging under the best circumstances. People bug us and that’s understandable. But if we try to change and fix everything, chances are very high that the relationship will end. John Gottman, a psychologist and expert on marriage has found through his research, that the impact on giving someone the benefit of the doubt can save a marriage.  So whether you give someone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are doing their best or you learn to let some things slide, chances are you’ll help the life of the relationship.  

The art of healthy neglect when it comes to the thoughts in our head.

Do you believe every thought that shows up? For example if you are on your way to a social gathering, and notice the thought, “what if, no one talks to you”. Do you really need to give that your attention? Do you really want to get caught up and attached to that thought? A little healthy neglect might go a long way. Yes, acknowledge the thought, and then move on. Continue getting ready to go to that social gathering and “neglect” the negative thought. Your head will thank you.

The art of healthy neglect when it comes to parenting.

This is in terms of giving our kids the space to figure things out for themselves and to feel their own sense of competency which will result in more resilient, creative adults who can problem solve and feel greater confidence. If you are doing too much for your child or if you are uncomfortable with your child’s discomfort, then ironically, your attempts to help your children may actually contribute to their lack of responsibility.Perhaps, as noted child psychiatrist Haim Ginott suggests, in order to encourage your children to become more responsible and capable, you should give them a dose of healthy neglect.

So I may not be the first one to coin the phrase, but I am trying to elevate it to an art form. Can you think of more ways to bring the art of healthy neglect into your life?  I’d love to hear some of your ideas.  

Mindfully, 
Leslie 

Remember Season 2 of Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast recently launched. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. And please tell a friend or someone who may be seeking a parenting community. Spread the word!