“I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong” Street.
In episode 49 of Is My Child a Monster?, we discussed how a child may develop the thinking pattern of "I must have done something wrong” when constantly offered corrections or demands. Many adults continue to think this way, and I sweetly ask them if they were born on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong Street.
You know you’re a resident there if your first thought is, “Did I do something wrong” or “What did I do wrong”. My husband, Eric, certainly has at least a vacation home there. Recently, he and I were in the car driving down the road. My husband is an excellent, safe, and cautious driver. He saw the flashing lights of a police car and automatically thought, “Am I doing something wrong?”
Why is that his first thought? And it's not just with a police car that he has that automatic worry or conclusion. When I am in a bad mood or have a funny look on my face, his first thought is, “It must have been something I did.” If he comes home from the store and I ask where the apples are, his first thought is, “I must have done something wrong.” This happens in a variety of situations. I imagine that it's exhausting for him. And it’s also upsetting for me.
This pattern most likely developed in childhood. But there is an alternative to continuing this thought pattern.
How about exercising and training your mind to observe rather than to make a judgment. Replace “I must have done something wrong” with “I see a police car with lights on,” or “Leslie asked where the apples are,” or “Leslie has a frown on her face.” When you start with a judgment the options for where you go are nowhere good. If you start with an observation, you actually have many options, and it keeps your thoughts more flexible.
Besides, here’s how it plays out when he says “Did I do something wrong?” in response to my bad mood. I may get more upset because he’s not understanding where I am. Rather, he’s making it about himself. That doesn’t work for either of us. But if he makes a statement of observation such as “I notice you have a frown on your face,” I actually take a deep sigh and say, “Yeah, it's been a rough day at work,” or “I just missed an appointment I had.”
Remember: if you were born on “I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong” Street, you are welcome to move. The real estate market is strong. Just replace some of those automatic self-judgmental thoughts with statements of observation. Have a happy moving day!
Be well,
Leslie
PS. Here’s my ask for today: Can you tell one friend about Is My Child A Monster?
